This particular little gem from the 1950s involves a housewife whose husband is about to leave her because the “girls at the office” make better coffee than her. But luckily, Betty Sue (I assume that’s her name) starts using Folger’s instead and sure enough, her husband is on her like John Goodman on a stack of pancakes.

Please enjoy the reason for the feminist movement.

I was going to write a hilarious post about how Tom Cruise has gone off the deep end, but I dare not undermine the miraculous institution that is the Church of Scientology and  instead curse the evil alien lord Xenu for releasing the thetans that cause our bad feelings. May all it’s members find peace, love, and happiness, even though they sign themselves away for a billion years because of their belief in reincarnation.

 Well, I’m getting off track now, aren’t . I wish Tom, Katie, and John T. all the best in their continued efforts to convert the entire world to one religion.

Because when has that ever backfired, right?

Please don’t sue me, reincarnated ghost of L. Ron Hubbard.

In this essential clip, video game and cartoon star and product of the ’80s Sonic the Hedgehog tells us kool kids about what to do if someone touches us inappropriately. And remember, there’s nothing more cool than being hugged by someone you like!

DISCLAIMER: Sexual abuse is actually a serious problem in this country and I welcome any attempts to educate vulnerable kids about it.

I mean, it’s still really weird, but still.

Look out for the random people popping out to say “Ghostbusters!” (Chevy Chase!) and the actual clips from the movie looking like crap for some reason.

P.S., is Ray Parker Jr. about to rape that girl?

OK, you’re probably thinking to yourself, this could be awesome.

I mean, Julie Taymor’s directing. (The Lion King, Across the Universe).

The music is by Bono and The Edge. That’s right, from U2.

And it’ll probably star none other than Jim Sturgess and Evan Rachel Wood.

Sounds perfect, right?

Wrong.

Might I take a moment to remind you of the last superhero who came to Broadway?

Yes, folks, this is a direct shot from “It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s Superman”, the short-lived 1960s off-Broadway musical.

You’ve never heard of it?

That’s because it SUCKED.

Seriously, the thing was a cheesy mess. It’s hard to do a superhero musical.

But I guess Broadway is so out of fresh ideas they just have to keep ripping off movies.

Wait!

You know what, this could actually be pretty cool. I mean, they could do stuff with wires, right? And Sturgess and Wood don’t suck…and U2 doesn’t suck that bad…(okay they kind of do)…and it’s going to have a “geek chorus”…

So I think we can all agree. “Spider-Man: The Musical” will either be this:

Or this:

Oh dear God don’t let it suck.

Cheesy bar mitzvahs with cheesy “make your own music video” stations.

A staple of the Jewish culture.

Well, here’s the best one I’ve ever seen. Straight from a 1993 VHS tape dug up in the poster’s grandma’s attic, this motley crew’s rendition of “That’s What Friends are For” ranks up there with my favorite performances of the song.

Check out drunk grandpa at 1:56.

Sure, i could go on and on about snubs (Surf’s Up over The Simpsons Movie?!?!) and surprises (Cate Blanchett for a cliched role she already got nominated for when she has another nomination that she’ll probably win?!?!) but I think we can all agree who really got the short end of the stick.

What the hell, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences?

Yes, Tim Burton. You may think he’s weird, and that he only puts Helena Bonham Carter in all his movies because they’re married, but you can’t deny that the man is an auteur.

And Sweeney Todd was supposed to be his magnum opus, his film that finally the Academy can get behind.

Seriously, how can such an amazing, powerful film lose a nomination to “British People in Period Costumes Falling in Love 16: Oscar Baitin’ Boogaloo!”?

HOW, DO YOU ASK?

Listen, I’m not going to take the time here to go into the details of a film that I don’t want to ruin for you. But it’s a Sondheim musical starring Johnny Depp about a barber in Victorian England and his lovesick meat-pie making assistant. Oh, and he kills people. And he makes them into MEAT PIES.

This doesn’t negate the fact that it’s a beautiful, stylistic fable with strong acting and wonderful characters.

CONSPIRACY THEORY ALERT going off in your head? It should be.

Fact is, the Academy refuses to recognize Tim Burton. And it’s criminal.

Makes me want to slash their throats with a barber’s razor and grind them up into meat in a pie crust.

EDIT: Apparently Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter aren’t married, they’re techincally “domestic partners”. Alllrighty then.

Today’s video is from a little-known PS2 “game” released in Europe called Animal Soccer World. Notice the way I said “little-known”, because no-one has actually heard of it. And notice the quotes around “game”, because it’s really just one long cartoon (the plot is self-explanatory) with MENUS and JIGSAW PUZZLES every once in a while.. Yes, that’s why it’s a game. Coulda fooled me.

You just have to watch it. Highlights include all the animals being voiced by the same person, the lion looking EXACTLY like Simba, and the little dog having an implacable accent and the worst lip-syncing I have ever seen from a cartoon soccer dog. My personal opinion is, animals should be banned from playing soccer if this is the result. I’m looking at you, Air Bud.

Part 2/4 is right here, check after the jump (click more) for the other parts of this train wreck.

Part 1/4:

Part 3/4:

Part 4/4:

When I first saw this picture, I thought the blond guy from “Queer Eye” was playing Edward Scissorhands in a remake.

But no, apparently. That’s Amy Winehouse.

Damn.

Come on, Amy! You look like an anorexic welfare mother addicted to chewing tobacco. Just where is your signature beehive?

What happened to the sultry-voiced crooner who refused to go to rehab?

Now you look like you’ve been in and out 11 times.

Amy, we’re just looking out for you for God’s sakes. We wanted a new musical sensation, not a British Britney who pulls coke out of her hair and snorts it on stage during a concert.

Yes, this is real, folks.

I think we, as a society, need to sit Amy down and have a nice talk with her. Because this is ridiculous. Come on. We’re approaching past-Liz Taylor crazy here.